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A Captains Flat Christmas Carol

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
by Tony Steeper

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Flat
Not a creature was stirring, not even a cat;

The footy socks hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Playstations danced in their heads;

And Mum in her nighty, and I in my jocks,
Had just settled down to watch crap on the box,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon lit the street with its silvery shine
As it rose like a lantern behind the old mine,

When, what should appear beside my blue shack,
But a miniature ute with a swag on the back,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

The neighbourhood dogs all went off their brains,
But he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

Now, Taylor! now, Pepper! Now, Dozer and Drummie!
Oi, Kevin! hey Jasper! Now, Thommo and Lockie!

Behave now you lot or you know that you’ll find
Your Xmas dog biscuits will be left behind!

The dogs all fell silent, and like a galah,
That flies to the tree tops and poops on your car,

Up to the house-top his 4 wheel-drive flew,
With the swag full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the tin,
The creak as the handbrake was pulled firmly in.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in red, from his head to his foot,
And his flannie was tarnished with ashes and soot;

The swagful of toys he had flung on his back,
And I stood there amazed at the size of his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
You could tell from his nose that he liked the odd sherry;

The smile on his face was as wide as a frog,
And the beard of his chin was as white as our dog;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

He winked and he held up a jolly old thumb,
As he knocked off a TimTam and a nip of my rum;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the socks; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he goes;

He sprang to his ute, to the dogs gave a whistle,
Threw his swag on the back and took off like a missile.

But I heard him exclaim, as he waved his old hat,
'Happy Christmas to you and to all at the Flat!'